錢

錢

「錢」不是萬能，但沒「錢」萬萬不能。「錢」是一個敏感的東西，很早很早之前沒有「錢」，大家以物易物，標準不一，很難有一個衡量與準則，因此有了「錢」的發明，「錢」是一個為了方便大家生活而產生的東西。但是現今的社會，「錢」不在只是單純衡量物品價值的工具，「錢」也漸漸代表著地位、人的價值、能力、權力、安全感、自信心、愛。因為「錢」，在生活中我們面臨壓力、挫折、被看不起、衝突、處在沒安全感的感覺等，也因此生活一切的努力都在向「錢」看。「錢」不再是被人們使用的工具之一，「錢」變成操控我們生活的來源之一。

我從小生活長大的環境，「錢」不是重點，我爸媽從是無薪志工工作，賺錢、賺大錢這一件事情我不常看到，我看到許多時候爸媽做這工作是因為他們覺得這是他們該做的事情，決定「要」與「不要」、「做」與「不做」，跟「錢」沒有太大的考量。從我爸媽身上我也看到信仰的力量，因為我爸媽深信如果我們做的事情是老天爺要我們做的，「錢」老天爺也會照顧到，也因此很多時候我們雖然希望有多一「錢」好做事，但是也秉持著有多少「錢」，我們就做多少「事」。

就我個人而言，「錢」是一個敏感的東西，也是一個容易帶來麻煩的東西，所有能用「錢」解決的事情，都是小事。不可否認摸到「錢」的感覺很爽，但是有太多「錢」不知道可以怎麼運用也很頭疼，平時生活我很少煩惱到「錢」，每每都是在辦活動的時候才在努力跟「錢」做朋友。

我一直覺得自己不太會去計較「錢」，因為算「錢」是一件麻煩的事情，我不喜歡算數，我做我喜歡的事，我做我願意做的事，有「錢」還是沒「錢」無所謂。只是這幾年在EQ協會工作、跟高中生、大學生工作，我發現自己慢慢被建立一個形象：劉曉芸對「錢」很計較。

對很多東西我不愛「計較」，但是一旦「計較」起來是不得了，所以我常說自己很愛記仇記恨。這幾年在工作上，我也越來越向「錢」看，不是說我想賺很多，每每辦活動，我心裡想的只有「打平就好」，常常一個活動辦下來讓身邊的人又氣又笑，辛苦大半時候，結餘常常是雙位數或是三位數，他們心疼付出一堆時間和精力，但回報的不多，而我則是在心底感謝「耶!沒虧錢」，因為我相信付出後的回報不單單只從「錢」反映。

只是在工作上，學員報名參加課程、活動，沒收到他們的繳費，他們就是一個「不肯定」，因為通常見到「錢」才會見到「人」，很多時候都證明沒有事先繳費的人，多半在課程前一天，或是活動前一天臨時有狀況而不會出現，會通知的人還好，更有人是連通知也沒通知一聲，這讓做事的人很難辦。講師事前需要知道人數，好準備課程與講義，人數的不確定就不容易準備，而在秘書處工作更是為難，常常老師們都會要求4個人才開班，而我們這收到的口頭報名4位，實際繳費3位，那一位沒繳費的到底算不算一個人頭？常常遇到的結果是我們相信「他」會出現，通知可以開班上課的時候，「他」卻說他有事不能來了。只好再通知老師與其他三個學員：「不好意思，突然有一位學員退出，這一班開不成要取消，費用我們再退給您。」因此我為了要讓自己的工作可以順利完成，為了要讓事情好運作，「催錢」變成一件常常在做的事情。這是我討厭的一件事，催別人錢不舒服，被催錢的也會被催得很煩。

另一個因為工作而遇到的麻煩事。很多時候對方有心要上課，有熱忱要參加活動，但是現實的因素「錢」讓他們心有餘而力不足，或是為了「方便」一下對方，想說沒關係你先來參加，錢「之後」再給，但是常常遇到的結果是「之後」永遠沒等到。跟高中生、大學生工作更是兩難，因為學生很多時候經濟來源多半靠的是父母，「忘記」跟父母拿錢，是常有的事情，一忘可以忘上好幾個月，忘到活動都參加完了，錢還是「忘記」要跟父母拿，這時我也不得不一直提醒，「催錢」的戲碼又再度上演。有時候是父母不認同孩子在做的事情，所以不願意付費，跟孩子工作的我，給予支持給予鼓勵，因而常常與孩子達成的協議是「沒關係，錢你晚一點再給」，而這一個「晚一點」常常變得「沒有下文」，我又不想給他們有壓力，常常在告訴自己「他們需要更多的時間來完成這一個承諾」，「催錢」的戲碼我連演都不敢演，只是當知道他們有錢買一堆自己想要的東西，卻沒錢償還他們已經享受到、參加完的活動費，「心」挺寒的。更有在活動當中遇到突發狀況，需要用「錢」來支付費用，但是高中生、大學生身上現金剛好不夠，我也想說「沒關係，我身上有，可以先幫你墊，你之後再還」，但這一「墊」往往導致來的後果是「墊的錢」回來機率不大，還有更多的「麻煩」事要處理，當初他的那一句話「對不起，給你添麻煩」都成了屁。

如果這些「錢」是我自己的錢，那我也就當花錢做善事，認了，但偏偏這些「錢」都不是我的錢，這才是我覺得兩難、麻煩的部分。

如果說我今天會遇到這些狀況，都是自己導致的，那當初遇到對方開口說有「困難」，我該怎麼回應？當初遇到對方請求一個「方便」，我該怎麼回應？當初看到對方需要被「幫助」，我該怎麼做？是鐵石心腸的不予理會、不給人情面子，好讓自己未來不用遇到兩難的狀況，或是更多的麻煩事，還是要再笨笨傻傻地去「信任」、給予「善意」，挑戰對人性的「信任」、面對「好心」有可能再次被踐踏的傷害？或是乾脆不要做這一份工作，這些事情我都可以避免？

「錢」真的是一個敏感的東西，不但是生活的需要，也是自我價值感、安全感、愛的衡量，更是人際相處互動的挑戰，反映著每個人做人、面對事情的「態度」：如何開口說自己的困難，如何面對自己開出的口頭支票，如何為自己的承諾負責任，如何處理事情，如何與人相處……。

我的結論

「錢」是一個難搞的東西，難怪我賺不了大錢，也難怪我算數一直好不了，因為我討厭跟「錢」有太多的勾當，我對「錢」的態度很嚴肅，不要跟我亂開跟「錢」有關的玩笑，因為我笑不出來。「錢」，麻煩頭痛又常讓自己騎虎難下難做人，幹！

2013 Busy Year

Happy New Year! This year is horse year. And wish you all run fast and happy in the coming 2014.

    When I think back my 2013, there is a word I got,” Busy”. The farther I want to think more what I had done in 2013, my mind was blank. It is nice to have Quiet Time books so there is something I can re catches my memories.

The Unchanged in 2013

    I was the same working as EQ office Secretary General, will finish my term this year and still thinking about whether I should continue or do something else. The volunteers group training also the same, three volunteers group I had, senior high school students, university students, and the mothers. And all these made me the same busy with different camps for youth and kids.

For the past five years my life was a lot about the youth in Taiwan. And I enjoy spending time with them, listening to their complaining and seeing them growing. My commitment to work with youth, the volunteers group will end this year as well, and still waiting for guidance for my next step.

    I still go for Yoga class and Ballet practice. It was the time I don’t need to receive phone calls and just be with myself. I enjoy the time doing Yoga and Ballet.

    This year still remain 5 people in my family. My parents were busy with Chinese in Action and half year time was not in Taiwan. When they were away, my home became like a hotel. No one to talk at home and the speaker of my computer was broken, made I felt bored at home. So I spent most of my time in the office. My Brother and Yue bought a second hand apartment. Both of their jobs are stable. And I am the same enjoying being single.

The changes in 2013

    I had a new secretary. The previous one went to Australia for a year. The new one was my old friend and close as sisters. Last Sep. she finished CinA training and expressed that wanted to work full time in EQ office. It was nice to have her and now we worked together for the volunteer groups training.   

Apart from busy with the office administer work and the volunteers’ activities; there were three workshops I tried in 2013. The first one was with a mother group; I was talking to them about our relationship with our original family. With this group at the beginning I was nervous because they are all older than me. Thanks to their openness and trust. The second one was an English workshop which I did with my brother and Yue together. We were hoping to open a space for people especially those young people in the volunteer group can feel free to speak in English. Nice cooperated with my brother and Yue, many creativities happened. The third one was a workshop for junior high school students conducted by EQ office chairman, victor+ me+ my brother+ Yue and my new secretary. I was in charge of physical class. I don’t know any sports so the only thing I can do with them was to have stretching class. And one thing for sure was that my students they dislike my class, because it was too tired and painful sometimes.

2013, there were many moments I felt God was with me and helping me to finish the task. I felt grateful about it and many touching stories came out. There were also moments I had good inspiration and guidance through having Quiet Time. That was nice feeling, too.

2013 May, I went to Shanghai and HeFei in China to help with CinA, and went to Nanjing in July to work with a group of Catholic Fathers for the youth camp. Sep. went to Hong Kong for the CinA conference. Oct. went to Korea had holiday and catch up with friends. And then end of Dec. went to Indonesia to help with the Youth Camp and spent my 2014 new year there. 

   I am happy my 2013 was over and looking forward to my 2014.

Best wishes!!

H.Y

2014 Feb.

2013 忙碌的一年

  2013年，我給它一個「忙」字，在忙碌的狀態中，2013年就這麼結束，年底想說要來回顧一下自己的2013年，結果腦袋一片空白。糟~不過，我還是想要寫寫東西，就來稍稍努力一下吧!!

2013年的「不變」

    秘書長的工作、高中志工隊的培訓、Anima苗子團(大專志工)培訓、飛夢裡志工媽媽的培訓、寒暑假少年營的舉辦，都是不變的。陪伴青少年生命的成長，是我這幾年來生活的重心，帶給我成就與驕傲。喜歡跟青少年混在一起，聽他們抱怨訴苦，看著他們勇敢為自己的生命做決定與挑戰，我想接下來的幾年也都還是跟他們混在一起吧!!最開心的是，跟他們混在一起，常常都被誤認是大學剛畢業，哈哈哈哈~~

    一個禮拜有幾天去上上瑜珈課，也有一天去練練芭蕾，也是不變的生活，喜歡去上課的當下，可以不用接電話，可以專注與自己相處，做自己喜歡的事情更是一種享受。

    我們家今年還是5個人，我爸媽依舊忙碌著，2013年有大半年的時間都不在家，忙著「華人行動」，他們不在的時候，我家真的像是旅館了，因為我在家變得好無聊，去辦公室比較有聊。我弟跟張玥，工作穩定，買了一間二手公寓，而我依舊享受一個人的生活。

2013年的「改變」

    我又換新秘書啦，宛芸去澳洲追夢，新秘書妙妙(呂妙倫)是老朋友、是好姊妹，妙妙9月底結束「華人行動」培訓，也想要從事生命工作，恰好宛芸要離職，兩個人的時間銜接的剛剛好，另外妙妙也協助協會的青年工作，目前我們兩個挺像連體嬰的，常常同進同出，很高興有他一起加入EQ協會大家庭。

    2013年除了忙行政工作、志工隊的活動之外，我手上的課程也變多了，有3個新的挑戰，1)我接了一班媽媽成長班，三不五時去台中幫他們上課，挑戰的是學生年紀全部比我大，但也謝謝他們的信任與接受，上他們這一班我上的很開心。2)跟我弟、張玥合開一班英文班「Leadership in Action」,希望能提供一個環境讓大家跟英文做朋友，這一班目前上到第三期課程，常常都在想要上什麼內容，才能讓學員開口說英文。3)協會另一門課程「青少年酷書院」，對象是國高中生，5個老師合開，EQ協會理事長龔萬侯老師+我+我弟+張玥+妙妙，感覺是挺有意思的一門課，還可以再多開發與招生，而我竟然是體育老師，不會打球的體育老師。

2013年感覺「有天助」的時候

    暑假是最最忙碌的兩個月，除了原本手上有的營隊活動之外，同時間還有「華人行動」、「青年大動邁」兩個大活動，那一陣子天天都睡不飽，因為頭腦一直在思考不同的活動，即便人躺下去要睡覺，腦袋還是一直在那轉阿轉。但也是這兩個月中，很多時候我都覺得有被老天爺照顧到，像是7月少年營就趕在颱風之前，出發前一直注意颱風動態，帶著小朋友回到台南後，隔天便停班停課，8月許多活動卡在一起，但很多時候老天爺巧妙的安排，讓我身邊有足夠的人手幫忙，或是時間點的錯開好讓兩件事情都順利完成。

    除了暑假許多小事件，平時也會有一些靈感幫助事情的順利完成，或是在跟人談話的時候，對人的敏感度與了解，有老天爺給的引導，這都讓我充滿感恩。

2013年的趴趴走

    2013年上半年還挺乖的，都在台灣。5月去上海、合肥支援「華人行動」，7月再去南京協助青年營隊，9月去香港參加華人行動的「香港大會」，10月去韓國度假見見老朋友，12月底去印尼協助青年營隊，並在印尼跨年。每次的出國大約都短短的兩個禮拜，但是我喜歡出去，出去可以讓我暫時放下台灣繁忙的事務，沉澱與休息。

結論

    耶!2013年過完啦，今年覺得自己有時像是女超人，事情活動一件接著一件，到年底的時候真的有大喘一口氣的感覺。忙碌的一年但也是充實的一年，感謝2013年所有對我照顧+疼愛有加的長輩及朋友。2014年，我來啦!!!

新年快樂

曉芸

2014.2

My last travel in 2013—Indonesia

By Huda’s invitation, the end of 2013 I went to Indonesia to join the Youth Camp. Although it was my second time to Indonesia, I didn’t have much memory about my first visit. First time to Indonesia I didn’t have the chance to go around and meet people. I was glad this time I had the chance to get to know the country more and working + living with the people.

My impression about Indonesia

People said one of the special things about Indonesia was the traffic jam. Really, traveled here took a lot of time in the traffic. I was surprise to see many people going for work around 6:30 in the early morning because of the traffic. People need to go out earlier in order to be on time and at the same time practice patient. I am a fast person without much patient. Every time facing the traffic it seemed to tell me “I don’t need to rush all the time, there is enough time for everything, don’t worry.”

This was my first time lived in a Muslim community. Even I knew Muslim pray 5 times a day, I was still surprised to see people live in this life style. To pray 5 times a day needs a lot of discipline, and it is not easy, especially when during the day so many things are happening, yet I enjoyed seeing my friends doing their praying. Every time knowing + seeing them doing their prayer, I felt so nice that they can get so closed to the Higher Power frequently and regularly. When it was the prayer time people just stop whatever they were doing and went to pray. For me it seems like a “pause” in the day. This might be something I need, because I always had a rush day. I did many things very fast and after I finished my work I still had the fast speed in my mind and need to take effort to slow down my mind in order to get rest. And this kind of “pause” helped me to slow down and reduce making mistakes in what I was doing.

My Challenge in Indonesia

There were three things challenged me a lot in Indonesia. The first thing was taking cold shower. In Taiwan no matter cold or hot weather we always took hot shower. I suffer not only in Indonesia, also when I travel to different South East Asian countries. I still could take it just didn’t enjoy having shower with cold water.

The second one was spicy food. My dad and my brother can take spicy food but I don’t know why I can’t. It was really surprised to see at breakfast time instead of taking strawberry jam, they used chili sauce to eat with bread. And a lot of time I like the taste of the food and was enough taste for me, but they still add a lot of spicy + chili. Very grateful to friends here took care of me a lot. Whenever we had meal they would check whether there was non spicy food for me. So I enjoy eating in Indonesia with the non spicy food.

The third challenge was the paper money. The currency was too big for me, too much zero behind. This was another thing I didn’t understand about myself. My dad used to be a math teacher and my mum is good at accounting. But I am not. It made me crazy to count, especially with all the zeros on the paper money.

About the Youth Camp

I arrived few days before the camp started. I had no idea what I could do and what kind of role I was playing in the camp. Running camps for me is easy, since high school I have been trained to organize activities and performances. After graduated from uni I run camps minimum 4 times per year. Coming to help them I need to keep reminding myself, the core team was young and new, a lot of time I shouldn’t act and react too fast. During the Youth Camp I still got involved too much because they all knew I was the one keep changing things in the camp.

I enjoyed the Youth Camp a lot. In Taiwan usually I was the one to take care of everything and needed to do a lot of administration works. Coming to this camp, there were fewer responsibilities on my shoulder. Mainly I was helping with the program + family groups + run a workshop. Another mission I gave myself was to take care of the committee. They were the people easily got into work and forgot to take care of themselves. So this time I didn’t interact much with the participants.

I enjoy working with the committee each night for the next day program and saw them performed well in the front. While planning with them I could see they had good training about IofC messages and they had many ideas about what / how to present, they just lack of experiences, did not have enough confidence to stand in front of the crew. It was their first time to run the Youth Camp, and I thought the camp for me was amazing in many ways. Of course there were much more ccould be improved, but I felt we often forget to affirm what we had achieved and tended to blame the part we did not do well.

Attending this Youth Camp, seeing young people working (I think I am still young but surprise to know among the committee I was one of the old people) gave me different ideas about what else I can do in Taiwan. It is nice to be there.

I hope in the future there will be more chance for me to visit Indonesia. Not only for the camp but also for some relax and playing time.